From: Jesus Christ of Yahweh
Emergency Elect, Greetings from The Lord Isa al-Masih de Allah
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This Message is an official message for the Government of Abraham founded in part by Jesus Christ of Yahweh. Any interference with This Message, The Originator, His Respondents, His Adherents, Our Mechanisms, etc. are subject to no appellate authority.
Greetings from The Lord:
I am Isa al-Masih de Allah. Recently you were explained My Most Holy Re-arrival unto you. You were identified as Church Leaders, contacted twice by Me personally, and now explained Our Most Holy Task. We have been tasked with assembling an emergency elect of International Elect Leaders from amongst the Twelve Tribes totaling twenty-four International Elect for purposes explained. I demand your immediate response concerning this offer to you personally. There is much at stake so immediately respond. You can send Me any information you like; however, you are to address Me as "My Lord" or something like that, please.
Thank you and Love,
Isa al-Masih de Allah
aka Jesus Christ de Yahweh
P.S. I demand you respond back to Me as soon as humanly possible.
P.S. Two. I am sorry at the delay in reaching out to you. We, the Holy Spirit and I, are giving Our Level Best to help you.
My emails are isa@allahisa.com or jesus@3jesus.com or emergency@3emergency.com
Q: Why did I receive this email?
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My Lord Isa al-Masih de Allah
Yourday Greetings!
So, I'm really sorry that I have not been writing or praying to you, but I've been really busy doing Church stuff, you know? I mean you founded this whole Christianity thing right? I know you really didn't mean to, since you came to save the world and all, but then the Jews killed you and you had to go set up the Church since after you got killed and raised again the only thing more miraculous would be that the Church would actually be faithful to you. (What a joke, right?)
Anyway, so I'm sitting in Church this morning at the 10:30 service thinking kind of smugly about how I'm the only here that's part of the emergency elect (except for Jeff in the choir, who claims he got one of your emails too but I know he's lying. He's just jealous because I chant better than him) and it hits me: you are in Santa Clara and isn't that right in the Silicon Valley? So wouldn't it be really cool, if you pull a switcheroo on all the fundamentalists and have Armageddon in the Silicon Valley instead of the Valley of Megiddo?
So anyway, I've all these really great ideas for when we get together (like maybe you put me on the turn-water-into-wine team and you know, crank up the volume a little and let's score some amazing single malt or even some of that old California-pain-killer, if you know what I mean). Anyway sorry to go off on a tangent, but I was wondering when I get my miracle powers, because there's this guy at work that I really want to have worms come and eat up. And then there's a couple of tax and spenders that I need to send on a one-way trip to the fiery furnace and the sooner the better.
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My Lord Isa al-Masih de Allah
Yourday Greetings!
So, I'm really sorry that I have not been writing or praying to you, but I've been really busy doing Church stuff, you know? I mean you founded this whole Christianity thing right? I know you really didn't mean to, since you came to save the world and all, but then the Jews killed you and you had to go set up the Church since after you got killed and raised again the only thing more miraculous would be that the Church would actually be faithful to you. (What a joke, right?)
Anyway, so I'm sitting in Church this morning at the 10:30 service thinking kind of smugly about how I'm the only here that's part of the emergency elect (except for Jeff in the choir, who claims he got one of your emails too but I know he's lying. He's just jealous because I chant better than him) and it hits me: you are in Santa Clara and isn't that right in the Silicon Valley? So wouldn't it be really cool, if you pull a switcheroo on all the fundamentalists and have Armageddon in the Silicon Valley instead of the Valley of Megiddo?
So anyway, I've all these really great ideas for when we get together (like maybe you put me on the turn-water-into-wine team and you know, crank up the volume a little and let's score some amazing single malt or even some of that old California-pain-killer, if you know what I mean). Anyway sorry to go off on a tangent, but I was wondering when I get my miracle powers, because there's this guy at work that I really want to have worms come and eat up. And then there's a couple of tax and spenders that I need to send on a one-way trip to the fiery furnace and the sooner the better.
Anyway, My Lord, there's no reason for you or the Holy Spirit to be apologizing for taking so long to get back to me. I know how busy you guys are running the world and protecting America from Muslims and Liberals on MSNBC. I am waiting on you to give me the instructions on when we go and take back the Temple or start blowing stuff up.
I hope you have a really nice Yourday today even though there's no football on.
I love you You, My Lord Jesus Christ of Yahweh.
Your loyal and heavily armed Foot Soldier,
Deacon Tim
P.S. Don't listen to the anything you might hear about me. You know how people are, especially when they find out you're one of the members of the Emergency Elect.
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1 comment:
That's hilarious. Your having too much fun. Finally, you can run full satire mode. I am curious about the California-pain-killer reference. If you get your powers, you could turn a lawn of St Augustine into a huge cash crop and feed the poor.
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